用正确方式帮助孩子打开青春 ——青苗家庭教育心理讲座

　　青春期是人生中一个至关重要的阶段，在这一时期由于孩子生理、心理变化的突然性、多样性、特殊性，不仅使青少年自己感到茫然不知所措，也常会让家长无所适从、束手无策……

　　近日，青苗国际双语学校顺义校区心理健康专家金晨曦老师，围绕“平稳度过青春期”这一话题，分别从生理发育、自我意识、心理断乳期、人际关系这四个方面，与中学生家长们一同深入探讨了关于青春期孩子身心变化的诸多问题。

金晨曦

学习支持&心理咨询

心理学硕士

国家二级心理咨询师，

GPST-IH国际中级催眠治疗师，

上海中级学校心理咨询师。

从事心理咨询工作近十年时间。主要研究方向：儿童心理学、青少年心理学、认知神经科学、竞技心理学。擅长领域童学习问题，亲子关系，家庭教育，青少年心理健康，儿童发展性咨询等。

生理发育：

家长需要特别注意“生长痛”和“性发育”这两个比较突出的问题。

　　青春期身体迅速发育的同时，可能会伴随持续的“生长痛”，对于不敏感的孩子来说，他们可能无法清晰地辨别和表达这种疼痛，只是笼统地表现为莫名其妙的情绪焦躁，有些平时爱运动的孩子还可能突然出现肢体不协调、跌倒磕碰等状况。这种时候，家长们不要盲目给孩子补钙，可以通过局部热敷、按摩、适当运动等方式转移孩子的注意力，同时为他们增加高钙食物和新鲜蔬菜水果补充营养。

　　青春期性发育的生理特征，首先会带来与自身有关的性意识。金老师特别提到，即使在同一个班级内，每个孩子的性发育和性意识的成熟程度都是不一样的，这就决定了学校只能从泛泛的层面为孩子们普及性教育，更根本的应该是通过家庭的正确引导，让孩子树立“自尊、自爱与自我保护”的概念，这对其整个青少年时期和成人早期的思想行为有着巨大的影响。

自我意识：

一场妙趣横生的“价值拍卖”

　　青春期是孩子自我意识的第二个飞跃期，是世界观、人生观、价值观逐渐形成并固化的时期。从这学期开始，为了帮助孩子们了解自己，金老师在中学部不同年级分别进行了一场有意思的“价值拍卖”活动。学生可以用手中的代币（代表时间、精力等一切可以付出的努力）来竞拍自己认为生命中最有价值的东西，比如：亲情、友情、爱情、金钱、权力、快乐、智慧、美貌、健康、美食、自由……

用全部代币竞拍“爱情”的男孩

　　在某班级，一个男生一次性用光手中全部代币，在诸多选项中竞拍“爱情”。这位男孩子在分享选择背后的想法时说：“我认为爱情是最重要的，因为在我们的人生中，父母、朋友、孩子都会渐渐离开，前路很长，只有身边的爱人才能和你彼此支撑。”后来经过了解我们才知道，这个孩子的父母关系非常亲密和幸福，正因为在样的环境中孩子汲取到了充分的温暖和能量，才会如此正向理解和向往这样的关系。

　　某班级谁也不要的“亲情”

　　在另外一个班级，大家争相竞拍，“亲情”却始终无人问津。问其原因，有人说：“亲情永远都在啊，根本不需要浪费时间和精力去争取。”当然，一方面可以看到这些家庭带给孩子充分的安全感，但在另一个方面也需要提醒家长们，小心被爱着的有恃无恐，肆无忌惮消耗亲情。尤其是对于低年级的家长们，不要让孩子频繁试探你的底线，家长保留绝对权力，恰是用“界限感”为孩子做出的基本保护。

　　对“美貌”的执着

　　在竞拍的过程中，无论在哪个班级都可以看到执着于“美貌”的孩子，这并不奇怪，因为青春期对外貌的在意程度，大概是人一生中的巅峰时刻。作为成年人，大概很难理解我儿子为什么要留这种丐帮帮主的头发？我女儿为什么要把校服裙子卷的那么短！但是，无论你多么难以接受，如果你粗暴否定和制止，换来的一定是争执和对立。不如换一种表达：“你要这样出去么？嗯……好吧，你去吧。”让自己退到一个提出建议的层面，避免指责，起码可以保持沟通途径的畅通，有效地提醒孩子对自己的选择做出反思。

　　总之，在自我意识日益觉醒的阶段，孩子们不仅通过观察和效仿父母学着长大，同时也在积极探索和表达真正的自我，面对个性鲜明、敏感独立的他们，金老师提醒家长：一方面要注意沟通技巧，给予孩子独立的自我探索空间，另一方面也要保留绝对权力，让尊重和保护不失偏颇！

心理断乳期：

这是亲子双方都要做好心理准备

去经历一个充满矛盾和焦虑的过程。

　　心理断乳期是青少年对父母的关系从依赖到独立的较长变化过程，具体表现在他们既不愿意直接听你的，但也无法完全离开你的建议。用“若即若离”来形容家长此时的角色定位非常形象，这同时也对“度”的把握要求很高。

　　以“小升初择校”为例，以下三个选项中，家长最终给予孩子哪种感受才是最好的呢？

　　A.我听爸爸妈妈的

　　B.我和爸爸妈妈一起做了这个决定

　　C.我为自己选择了这个学校

　　当然，最好的过程应该是B. 孩子和父母一起做了这个决定，但对于孩子而言，最好的感受应该是C。家长可以通过分享学校材料、分析学校优势对孩子进行有效引导，但最终，要让孩子自己说出决定。否则，在未来的中学生活中，遇到一些障碍和困难，孩子很容易归因父母：看，当初就是你们非逼我上这个学校！“心理断乳期”，父母要积极“断”，通过给予孩子充分的思考空间、尊重他们思考的过程和结论，从而达到培养孩子独立人格的目的。

　　另外，必须提醒家长的是，想要拥有决策权的他们仍然还只是个孩子，很多时候父母要避免用成年人的观点，把孩子的世界“大事化小、小事化了”。在孩子的世界，鸡毛蒜皮可能就是一件天大的事。比如某班一个女生，因为和某男生撞衫而被人调侃“情侣装”，纠结愤怒了很久。对于成年人来说，你要尽量学会“共情”——我不仅能理解你现在为什么这么做，我还能理解你此刻的情绪和感受。尊重和接纳她的情绪，沟通就不成问题。一句“这有什么可在意的”，会让你与孩子的链接断下来。“心理断乳期”，亲子链接不能断！父母给予的强大支持和充分的安全感，才是陪伴他们顺利走向独立的坚实后盾。

人际关系：

青春期里最重要的话题——

“同伴关系”和“早期亲密关系”。

　　作为青春期里组重要的话题，“同伴关系”和“早期亲密关系”是家长们非常关注又常常觉得十分棘手的问题，因此在处理这两种关系时需要特别注意方式方法。

　　对于青春期的孩子们来说，友谊是他们“心理断乳期”重要的精神食粮，在与朋友沟通的过程中，能帮助他们更好的认识自己。但是，如果孩子结交了所谓的“坏朋友”，家长需要马上制止吗？当然不是！无论是“同伴关系”还是“早期亲密关系”，打压只会造成强烈反弹，把孩子推向你看不见的更远的地方。家长或许可以与孩子聊聊，问问孩子为什么会喜欢这段关系，沟通至少会帮助你了解孩子的动向、有机会提示他应该做什么、不应该做什么……给孩子自我判断的能力远比粗暴隔离更有效。

　　金老师还特意提示，人的情感需求是有限的，青春期孩子如果享受到充足的亲情，也许不一定会需要爱情来弥补。比如在青苗的心理课堂上，有位很棒的女生对于“爱情”就表达过这样一段精彩的观点，她说：“亲情和智慧是我现在认为很重要的。爱情于我而言，是在浪费时间。一段长久而稳定的关系，一定是相互吸引，而不是相互依赖。我只有不断提升自己，才能遇到一段更好的关系！”我们了解女孩的家庭非常幸福，父母的陪伴和支持给了她足够强大的内心，懂得追求更好的自己、认为自己值得更好的关系，大概也是每位父母想要给孩子的正确认知。

　　结语

　　总之，青春期虽然是一个疾风骤雨的时期，但它也是人生中最美丽的时光，所以家长们不要当它是洪水猛兽，科学理性地陪伴、引导孩子，一起留下最美好的回忆，您也将是这段回忆中不可或缺的幸福和力量！

　　无论是学校还是家庭，心理健康教育都是非常重要的组成部分。青苗致力于学生身心全面健康发展，青苗顺义校区心理咨询室面向全校师生家长开放。如果您在教育心理方面有任何困惑，欢迎发送邮件至unajin@bibs.com.cn，我们温柔智慧的金老师或许能帮您找到属于自己的答案……

　　Puberty is a crucial stage for all the sudden and various physical and psychological changes, which can be confusing to both teenagers and their parents.

　　Last week, Ms. Una Jin, Mental Health Specialist of BIBS Shunyi Campus, has hosted a workshop with the topic of Smooth Puberty from the perspective of physical development, self-awareness, psychological weaning and interpersonal relationship, for our middle school parents.

Una Jin

ES Learning Support & Psychological Counseling

Master of Psychology

National Grade 2 Psychological Counsellor

GPST-IH International Secondary Hypnotherapist

Shanghai Middle School Psychological Counsellor

　　10 years experience in psychological counselling, focusing on Kidology, Juvenile Psychology, Cognitive Neuroscience and Competitive Psychology. Specialized in children's learning problems, parent-child relationship, family education, juvenile mental health and children development counselling.

Physical Development:

growing pains and sexual development

　　Puberty can be accompanied with growing pains caused by rapid physical development. It’s usually inexplicable anxiety for less sensitive children, or limb incoordination for sportive kids. Parents should try hot compress, massage or reasonable sports to distract children’s attention and high calcium food, instead of feeding them with calcium supplements.

　　One of the earliest physiological features of puberty is self-related sex consciousness. Even in a same class, every student can be one a different stage of sexual development and sexual maturity. This requires, in addition to the general sex education at school, proper guidance from family to help the students set up correct concept on self-esteem, self-respect and self-protection, which will remain a key influence throughout the entire puberty and even early adult stage.

Self-awareness:

an interesting common value auction

　　Puberty is the second leap of self-awareness, and the forming and solidification period of children’s view of the world, life and values. Ms. Jin has arranged a special common value auction among several middle school grades to help the students better understand themselves. At the auction, students can bid on the most valuable things in their mind, with the limited tokens in their hands: i.e. family affection, friendship, love, money, power, happiness, wisdom, good look, health, food, freedom……

　　All-in for love

　　A boy chose Love with all his tokens in hand. He believed ‘Love is the most important. In our life, parents, friends, children will leave us sooner or later, and only true love stays.’ Later we found out this boy has very close relationship with his parents. It’s the loving family atmosphere that gave him such warm energy and desire to believe in love.

　　Aborted Family Affection

　　In one of the classes no one bid for Family Affection, and it was because all students believed love from family was natural and nobody thought of spending energy and time to gain it. On one hand this shows the sense of security the students have received from their families. On the other hand, we know love can be easily taken for granted. Parents should retain authority at home and not allow your children to test your bottom line. It is the sense of boundaries that brings basic protection.

　　Never too pretty

　　Students pursuing Good Look is seen in every class, which is not a surprise at all. Puberty is probably the period when look is cared the most. Being an adult, we may find it hard to understand why my son wants a strange hair style, or why my daughter must wear short skirts so short. A rough disapproval will only bring argument and opposition. Sometimes instead of a comment or judgement, a suggestion such as ‘You want go out like this? Hmmm… ok as you wish.’ leads to surprisingly smooth communication with your children and effective reflection. 

　　At the self-awareness awakening stage, teenagers observe and imitate their parents while exploring and expressive their true egos. Ms. Jin reminded the parents to use communication skills with their characteristic and sensitive children, and while maintaining authority, respect and protection, create enough space for them to self-explore.

Mental Weaning:

a conflicting and worrying profess for all

　　Mental weaning is a process where teenagers become more and more independent from their parents. They no longer want to take your orders, yet still rely on your advices. It’s all about proper positioning and reasonable distance.

　　Let’s take selecting middle school for example, and see which option is best received by the children.

　　A.I listened to my parents

　　B.My parents and I made the decision together

　　C.I chose the middle school for myself

　　B seems to be best option for parents, but option C is all teenagers’ favorite. Therefore, parents can do all the investigation, but at last must guide their children to make the decision. Otherwise children will blame their parents whenever they encounter difficulties for making the decision for them. Letting go is the key to mental weaning period. Parents must give space, freedom and respect for their children to think and conclude. This is how independent personality is developed.

　　It is also worth mentioning that parents should avoid ignoring or whittling things down with the view and standards of adults. In a teenager’s world, a tiny thing can matter a lot, i.e. being called a couple for wearing the same shirt with a classmate etc. Parents should keep empathy in mind — I understand why you do this, and I know how you feel. Communication will not be a problem as long as you remember to respect and accept your children’s feelings. A simple ‘why it matters so much’ can disconnect your link with them. Mental weaning is not to cut off family affection. Teenagers need strong support and sense of security from their parents for their independent future.

Interpersonal relationship:

companionship and early stage intimacy

　　Being the most important topics of the seminar, companionship and early stage intimacy always have the most attention from parents, and in the meantime give them the most headache. Skills are needed here.

　　Friendship is the nourishment for teenagers’ mind during mental weaning period. They gain better understanding on themselves by communicating with friends. Should parents step the moment their children make a bad friend? The answer is no. Companionship or early stage intimacy, suppression only leads to resistance and will push your children away to where you cannot see. Parents should try talking to the children and ask them what makes them like the relationship etc., in order to understand their motivation and identify the opportunity to offer suggestions or reminders. Enabling self-judgement is always far more effective than crack-down. Ms. Jin also pointed out that human have limited emotional needs. Teenagers may not demand love to compensate family affection. A girl student once made a brilliant point in her SEL（Social-Emotional Learning ）: at this stage family affection and wisdom are most important to me. A long stable relation requires mutual attraction not interdependency. The only way to find a better relationship is to keep lifting myself. We learnt that this girl is from a very happy and close family. Companion and support from her parents make her strong and confident. She knows how to be a better person, and she believes she deserves better relationship. This should be the correct cognition most parents pursue for their kids.

　　Epilogue

　　Puberty is the most beautiful time of life, although it can be bumpy and difficult at times. Parents’ proper companion and guidance are the most powerful support to make the stage smooth and memorable.

　　SEL（Social-Emotional Learning） is essential both at school and home. BIBS is committed students’ balanced healthy development and wellbeing. If you need any help with your children’s mental health, please contact Ms. Jin from the BIBS Shunyi Mental Health Counselling Office onunajin@bibs.com.cn.